Damn That's Sweet

I Preached in church again yesterday (only the evening service) and it went well. In fact, I think I actually enjoyed it. Strange. Normally (as in the last 3 times I have done it) the adrenaline was flowing so hard I could hear rushing in my ears and I had no clue if what was coming out of my mouth was what I had planned on saying. This time I could actually look at my notes and see things!!!

Note: I love putting the teaching together, that part is a blast, its the getting up and talking at people part that is hard. Not because I am afraid of public speaking (I am actually quite the attention whore.) but because they have to suffer through my spaziness.

It official, its sent, I have applied to George Fox Seminary (online hybrid program).

I have never tried so hard to listen to God in my entire life, and when he finally spoke he ruined my life... well, maybe not entirely ruined, but still. Longish story.

So for months now husband and I have felt God moving us towards something big. I have been scratching at the walls trying to figure out what but nothing seemed "it".

On what I thought to be a completely different track was my strong feeling that God wanted to tell the CORE  worship gathering leadership team something important. Don't ask me why or what. It was weird. About a week ago the idea of fasting popped into my head... more in the sense of a petulant 3 year old telling their dad they are going to starve themselves until he gives me an answer than anything remotely spiritual. I have never fasted before, so this also was weird.

At our last CORE meeting I mentioned this and everyone and apparently there was someone else in the church who had randomly said that they thought we as a team should go to the Prayer night to be prayed over. Kinda charismatic, which again is kinda weird for me. So we agreed as a team to fast for the entire day and go to the meeting together.

So we show up at the meeting and at the beginning they have all leadership people come forward and make a circle and then everyone else lays hands on us and starts praying. As they prayed I was getting annoyed at where the focus was (musical worship... as if that's the only kind of worship there is... bleh). When they finished the pastor anointed us in oil individually (weird)and said a blessing over each of us. The pastor asked that I be blessed with words. She doesn't know me well so I figured she was referring to me teaching the other night or something. I went and sat down in back and visited for a while with some friends while the lead person on the team was being prayed for individually.

I was totally disappointed. And I told my friends as much. I knew in my gut that God was still wanting to tell us something, but we were done, so now I didn't know what to think. Then a lady approached us and said there were some open groups if we wanted individual prayer, and my friend gets up and says sure, so I go with him.

While we were praying for him I had this overwhelmingly compulsive urge to ask everyone one to stop and listen really hard because God was speaking but we couldn't hear. So bizarre! And then I thought that I really, really needed to go ask the pastor why she asked that I be blessed with words. So I look up and her group is open, so I snuck out of my group and sat down in hers.

I asked her and she looked at me and basically said because I was going to seminary. I fell apart.   Basically she felt that God was telling me to go to seminary and the others agreed. She said that I shouldn't take their word for it though. She tells me a part of her story (she said no to God for a year naming all kinds of reasons... she had a husband and 3 kids, no schools local, not the right kind of personality... but then finally said yes). One person sais that he feels they need to pray that I see a bridge from here to there (don't ask me what that means!) and they did. While they are praying one person sais they see me on a stage of sorts, clothed in white... but more glowing then anything, and that I have this huge smile and the joy that I am radiating is contagious or something.

At one point I said I wasn't a teacher really (I can but its not a gift or anything) and the pastor sais, "Not teaching, Preaching." (still trying to figure that one out)and it was all about me going and getting my Master of Divinity... not an MA or anything like that.

Now, most of my friends know that I have always thought it would be fun to go to seminary... something to do someday just for fun... not that I would do anything with it. I would never pass Hebrew or Greek though (I failed Spanish miserably in high school) and although there is a seminary extension campus 45 min away... it not one I would really have considered, I think. I can't even tell you how far out of left field this all feels.

So I tell God that if this is "it" that he has to tell my husband to or its not going to happen. I get home and tell husband all this and he sais, "but I thought you were going to seminary already, when micro goober goes to preschool next fall?" After all the cuss words bouncing around in my head subsided, after all, it would have been nice if he had told me this sooner, I gently asked him at what point we had decided this. He said he didn't know. The rest of the night we argued the details of me going, not whether or not I would (go figure) and I kept asking if this was really happening,

I feel kinda shell shocked or something. I can't even tell you how this throws things off. I mean, we aren't going to be adopting if I am going to school! I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know how I feel about commuting to classes or taking 5 years to finish (cause I sure as hell couldn't pull off full time nor would I want to!).  And what the heck would I do with an MDiv. when I am done cause I am not going to be a pastor or anything. How does ordination work into it and will I have to choose a denomination (something I have fought tooth and nail against for years). Not to mention the question of how to pay for it. I very specifically have felt like God wants us to go (like into the community where the homeless are and the people who would never go to church are) and not try to make them come to church... just go hang with them. How does this fit with going to seminary? Bleh.

I said yes when I sat in the chair, but I don't think I even have a clue what I said yes too.