Damn That's Sweet

This is the last semester of school for my cohort as only me and one other are continuing on to get the MDiv. instead of stopping with the MAML. The school purposefully puts us in certain classes at the "end" because of the built amount of trust we have with each other as well as to launch us on healthy, steady footing. We are taking reconciliation (part of which includes reconciling with oneself) and Spiritual leadership among other classes. In both we are taking a good long look at our "dark sides" and I don't mean that in a fun "I like to read goth comics!" type of way. Asking us what we hide from others to see, what we are shamed about, what we struggle with most, what we refuse to let go of... its hard stuff to come to grips with and allow God to bring light too.Some of it are issues with our own personalities, like my tendency towards self-righteousness. Its hard stuff.

Way back at the beginning of all this I took the Myers and Briggs test for one of my classes and the teacher was actually trained and knowledgeable about the test and everything behind it. I am an ENTJ, and even though I don't see some of it, the husband (and most my friends) say it nails me. It is able to describe how I am wired and sheds a lot of light on why I interact with other personalty types the way I do. It also explains some of my neurosis!

The most common negative issue that the ENTJ has is a tendency to hypersensitivity (more than your average person). For the project in my current spiritual formation class I am having to look at that very carefully, try to understand that part of me, and try and learn how to curb it, or at least recognize when it is happening. Again, its hard.

I think this year in general is going to be defined by the words "difficult" and "hard" and perhaps "painful". This isn't a bad thing, it builds character and health and strength. But at the same time, it is tempting to wish for things to be easier and just happy all the time. I don't know entirely why I think this year will be hard, its just a feeling I get, and I think it will be hard in more ways than one. I know I have a lot of inner turmoil right now and it may only get worse(more on that below).

It doesn't help that I am already starting to try and figure out my next step after graduating to boot. (I know what I want to do for the most part, but can't for the life of me see that happening.)

I have been questioning some core things about who I am. Some of this is because of a silly class assignment where we had to give a homily in class and be critiqued on how we can improve our speaking abilities. Those critiques, even though I got lots of positives, bit me hard. It bothers me that now, because of something others said, I have a little war going on inside of me. So yes, this year will probably be a hard one. But I am glad I recognize that now because if anything I am determined and now I can put my shoulder to the plow and get to work. God can see me/us through to the other side, this I know and put my trust into.

I can feel Autumn soaking into my bones, and I love it. Oooo! And I just looked out my window and its sprinkling! Yippee!!!

Starting last weekend our family has entered into a season of rest. Its late in coming but couldn't be helped. Micah is having a hard time with school. Silas has been asking to go to sleep at 7:30pm often enough. We just need to mellow. So, momma is done going away on trips for a while, daddy is done spending every other weekend helping other people for a while, we put the veggie garden to bed (mostly... I am attempting a few greens), we are finishing soccer (only 2 more games), we put the toys outside away for the winter and we are hunkering down. Husband and I are going to bed as early as 8:30 on some nights. Not because our days are over full right now, but because they were over full for all of September and October!

Now we are just allowing ourselves, body and soul, to recover.

Introspective moment: It just occurred to me that we have taken a 2 month sabbath around this time of year for the last 4 years. In the past its been just me and Shaun, but this year it includes the boys. It started with taking time off from volunteering for a while each year. Of course, God moves us around in life and we are in a very different place than we were when we first took a sabbath in our yearly cycle, but we still need this time. I think there is something intuitive about resting at the same time the earth around us in going into a season of rest. It takes an insane amount of energy to grow and flourish and serve and play.

My most recent "am I failing as a parent?!?" moment was a doozy this time round. Micah has been having a very hard time adjusting to first grade. Way to much sitting and a lot of new rules he has to keep track of. Add to that his struggle with reading (not bad, he just hasn't had his "Ah ha!" moment yet) and the tumultuous schedule at home to make for a very distracted/forgetful/struggling little boy.

Now, most of this couldn't be helped. We knew it would be a hard season to begin with and tried to work through it best we could (and we didn't do to shabby if I say so myself). But last week Micah tried to lie to his teacher while being caught trying to deceive us. (He had to have his card turned to blue *duh, duh, duuuhhh* and at the end of the day they have to write what color they were on in their home note books so the parent can see. He put yellow instead and the teacher caught him).

The other things going on, like getting to blue in the first place, are not so big a deal when you look at the bigger picture. But the lying needed to be dealt with. So that night me and Shaun talked through what we needed to do and decided he would not  get to go trick or treating as a consequence for lying. I bawled. Then we called Micah into the room and talked to him about it and about the consequence. When we were done I cried again. I think I cried something like 4 times over that weekend. It totally sucked!!!