Damn That's Sweet

I am in a Pastoral Counseling class for seminary right now and I have to do a project that puts together a "pre-marital counseling" presentation. The thing is, the concept of marriage has been on one of my back burners for a long time now as a topic where the status quo just doesn't set right with me. Now that it is being forced to the forefront of my brain for this class I am putting a lot of time into pondering what exactly doesn't set well.

Here are some of my thoughts so far:

In our culture is seems Marriage is a process, not an event. There are many things that play a part in people becoming married. Shared life, shared economics, shared bodies, shared commitment, covenant (a deeper level of shared commitment?), legal contracts, communal acknowledgment/celebration. Any one of these alone is not a marriage. But the more of these you add into a relationship, the more married the couple becomes.

People coming to a pastor to "get married" may already be married in every aspect save one. Others may be barely married at all. For some the marriage process is very quick, and others it takes much longer. It also seems to be the cultural norm to not complete this process (what ever that may mean) until a couple is in their late twenties and early thirties. Furthermore, many who have gone through divorce tend to opt out of some of these parts (most often ceremonies and the legal contract... especially since the legal contract happens automatically to some degree once a couple has been co-habitating for more than 7 years) when entering into a new "marriage relationship". You can pick and choose which pieces suit your relationship best.

This is just how it is.... it is the cultural norm. But at what point does a couple move from becoming married to actually married? And does it matter in what order it all happens? Or if something I listed is missing? Or how fast or slow it all comes together? So what is the job of the pastor? What is the purpose of pre-marriage counseling (if there is such a thing if marriage is process rather than an event)?

As to the first question, I think the larger culture would say it is the legal contract that makes it official... but that answer seems to confuse the church. And for good reason. Maybe it is not so much about the order in which people intertwine themselves but that all the vital pieces eventually get added int the mix to make the marriage healthy and whole.

Perhaps it is the pastors job to call people deeper into the reality of marriage that God intended for us, as a reflection of the trinity (perfect love in community), and a sacrament of Grace and Love.... even in our brokenness and failure.

I also am thinking that this will be a messy issue for the church to deal with as culture slowly continues to remove itself from Christendom. Once again the church is needing to let go of more power... power to forbid people from behaving a certain way (and having it socially backed up), power to deem who is married and who is not (and having it legally backed up), power to say how people should order their relationships.... and the list goes on. Its messy and complicated and anything but obvious.

But there is one thing that does seems obvious to me: Disciples of Jesus (Christians) will need to wrestle with what intimacy, promise, commitment, covenant and marriage actually mean and what it looks like on an every day level. Marriage betwene Christians may be radically counter cultural... which will then require that we figure out how to be that way without judging and condemning others. It may end up that the larger cultural norm is not necessarily un-biblical (read: evil *snicker*) and therefor we just have to let go of some old ways of thinking that are more cultural than they are actually christian. I don't know, maybe its a little of both.

Ignorance truly is bliss. I miss ignorance.

I didn't have a clue why God had me in Seminary when I started. I was just along for the ride, loving the deep conversations with others and the wonder that kept coming as I studied.

Then last summer, I started getting a clue. God is being gentle with me though, even though my reactions are anything but. It started last summer while at a conference (for a class) that I picked only because one of the speakers is one of my favorite teachers of all time. At the end of the conference there was this profound moment when they asked us to stand and extend our open hands. Anything we needed to let go of, release, submit, etc... we were invited to release to God.

Now, up until this time, when anyone would ask me what I would do with a Masters of Divinity I would answer; "I don't know yet, but I probably won't be a Pastor/Reverend/Minister or anything." At that moment as I was standing up, I knew I was supposed to let go of the second part of that explanation. I lifted my hands and imagined letting that phrase drop. Enter my first temper-tantrum. After the communion ritual I crawled under my folding seat (a spot ridiculously too small) and I bawled.

I spent the following few weeks reasoning to myself that just because I have to stop saying I won't be a Preacher doesn't mean I automatically will be a Preacher. In fact, maybe the only reason I was to let that second part go was because I was trying to control something that I don't have a clue about.... the future! That's it. Moving on.

The fall semester went by with out a hick-up. But first thing this spring, in my reconciliation class, I get waylaid. Its amazing how a gentle whisper can open a ginormous can of worms. I promptly implode. The short of it is that for an assignment I was asked to do a prayer meditation with art concerning something in myself that I was not reconciled with. I sat, staring at the drawing of the chair (don't ask) and I knew what I had to write across the top of it in big bold letters. "Why I can't be a Pastor." I don't know why that came to mind... well, I do, in that I believe God's Spirit works from the inside out sometimes... but seriously! Can we say left field!!! But the second I wrote it down the reasons came flooding out of me. Some of them legit, some not so much. Some just plain stupid. But sometimes you can't help stupid.

Thus began my very mature reaction to the why of Seminary... I promptly stuck my fingers in my ears and started singing Lah... Lah... Lah... I CAN"T HEAR ANYTHING!!! at the top of my lungs. This has been going on for the last 4 months. Its exhausting. Funny things is the war is with myself, not God. Truth be told, I would LOVE to be a Preacher! To study and put together a teaching on the amazing, hope filled, wonder inducing, redemption stories in the Bible set my soul on fire. I can't help but tell others about what I learn! Its feels right in my bones. Worse still, I don't' know that I could NOT teach. I find it leaking out of me in the random-est places too. To be able to stand up once a week in front of people and be like; "Dude! Did you know...." or "You won't believe how many layers this story has!" would so totally rock!

Other things have happened too. Personal growth that deals with the ugly and fear in my deepest parts. Things that were all tangled up (and still are, and may always be) with what "I am going to be when I grow up." I know God is calling me into something that is perfect for who I am and who I am becoming. But its another thing to ruthlessly trust and to step into that.

So, I am beginning to practice saying out loud that I might become a pastor. Its really hard. Ridiculously hard. As in, I insert more mights, maybes and perhaps' then anything else when talking about it. I break out in a sweat from how hard it is not to hedge around it all.  And I can't look people in the eye when I say it either.

Now, I really can't say that is what I will do.... become a pastor. But I have to admit that it is a huge possibility. A good, and exciting possibility. But then, there is also the possibility that I end up working at a shoe store (or some other awful place) and never really understand why God sent me to Seminary... which although is far less scary would also be pathetically boring. I don't like boring.

It was like being splashed in the face with cold water on a hot dusty day. It was a surprise and very refreshing.

I have been doing some very difficult, very deep, soul work for a little while now.... so focused that I really haven't been to aware of the world around me. Easter came and went with no significance, no joy, no meaning. We didn't even go worship with our community this year (although that had more to do with the weather and a visiting friend). And then yesterday, I went for some massage therapy (this is the kind of massage that leaves you sore and achy afterward... not all pampered) and the woman giving me the massage said something that just washed over me.

We were talking about the soul work I am doing and a few other things and then she busts this out: "Well! It is resurrection season after all!" Now, this is coming from someone whom I am guessing is Buddhist.... err, maybe, because she seems rather eclectic in her religious interests. Regardless, it surprised me and it was wonderful. It is resurrection time. It is the season of new and intense growth! And its good. Perhaps I will survive, and maybe even thrive. Yeay Jesus.