Damn That's Sweet

Deep down, I know I will screw things up.

I don't trust myself.

I am a failure.

I have a list a mile long as to why.  Really.  I think to slow, I never remember the important stuff, and when my adrenaline is going it’s as though my brain shuts off completely.  I have missed amazing opportunities, and failed to recognize important details.  I have to revisit the same issues over and over, even though I should "know this by now".

And there is a very strong part of me that has absolute disdain for this weak vessel that I am.  I hate it.  For some reason I think this should not be.  Perhaps it is because this is not how I was meant to be.  More likely, it’s because I judge these things as bad.  It is bad that my brain is so limited.  It is awful that my memory is not stronger.   It is wrong that I am not wise... that I am not God.  Oooh.  There.  I said it.

It is a fine line for me between thinking I know best and desperately wanting to please God.  I want to be wise so God is proud of me.  I want to be wise so I can do everything right and be in control.  Ick.

As far as I can tell, there are two things going on here.

On the one hand there is a part of this that is dark and needs to be brought into the light; that being my ego.  It’s a slippery little eel and doesn't like to be noticed. It likes to be in control and thinks that it should know everything. It likes to lurk in the dark places of me and quietly sneak into my thinking and doing.

On the other hand I am attaching values to my humanity; how I was created.  It was pointed out to me the other day that humans love to split things into good and bad; what we affirm and deny.  My friends wisdom says that I need to stop affirming and denying the different parts of me. Only when I let them sit side by side in tension will those parts of me reconcile.  I don't like my limited being, but that is how I am.  I desire to be smart and wise but those will always be limited by my humanness.

It gets even more complicated as I think of the Holy Spirit.  How do I leave room for her to work through me?  Do I trust myself enough to let her or to even recognize her?  Do I even think God is smart and wise and big enough to handle me?

Only sometimes.

And that irritates the hell out of me.