Damn That's Sweet

This is the last semester of school for my cohort as only me and one other are continuing on to get the MDiv. instead of stopping with the MAML. The school purposefully puts us in certain classes at the "end" because of the built amount of trust we have with each other as well as to launch us on healthy, steady footing. We are taking reconciliation (part of which includes reconciling with oneself) and Spiritual leadership among other classes. In both we are taking a good long look at our "dark sides" and I don't mean that in a fun "I like to read goth comics!" type of way. Asking us what we hide from others to see, what we are shamed about, what we struggle with most, what we refuse to let go of... its hard stuff to come to grips with and allow God to bring light too.Some of it are issues with our own personalities, like my tendency towards self-righteousness. Its hard stuff.

Way back at the beginning of all this I took the Myers and Briggs test for one of my classes and the teacher was actually trained and knowledgeable about the test and everything behind it. I am an ENTJ, and even though I don't see some of it, the husband (and most my friends) say it nails me. It is able to describe how I am wired and sheds a lot of light on why I interact with other personalty types the way I do. It also explains some of my neurosis!

The most common negative issue that the ENTJ has is a tendency to hypersensitivity (more than your average person). For the project in my current spiritual formation class I am having to look at that very carefully, try to understand that part of me, and try and learn how to curb it, or at least recognize when it is happening. Again, its hard.

I think this year in general is going to be defined by the words "difficult" and "hard" and perhaps "painful". This isn't a bad thing, it builds character and health and strength. But at the same time, it is tempting to wish for things to be easier and just happy all the time. I don't know entirely why I think this year will be hard, its just a feeling I get, and I think it will be hard in more ways than one. I know I have a lot of inner turmoil right now and it may only get worse(more on that below).

It doesn't help that I am already starting to try and figure out my next step after graduating to boot. (I know what I want to do for the most part, but can't for the life of me see that happening.)

I have been questioning some core things about who I am. Some of this is because of a silly class assignment where we had to give a homily in class and be critiqued on how we can improve our speaking abilities. Those critiques, even though I got lots of positives, bit me hard. It bothers me that now, because of something others said, I have a little war going on inside of me. So yes, this year will probably be a hard one. But I am glad I recognize that now because if anything I am determined and now I can put my shoulder to the plow and get to work. God can see me/us through to the other side, this I know and put my trust into.